Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
