I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize