Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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