i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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