Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize