He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize