Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
