Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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