My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
