soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
