so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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