Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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