Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
