I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
