You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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