i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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