if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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