just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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