my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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