I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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