I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
