Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
