My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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