Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize