In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
