How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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