your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
