i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
