guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
