tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
