no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
