Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
