I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize