i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
