i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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