Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Someone shit on the floor
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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