you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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