I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
