just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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