I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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