have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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