Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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