we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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