I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize