Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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