I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
