I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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