my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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