I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
They took my balls.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
