When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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