She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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