One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
