The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
