I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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