In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
