Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
