i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
