Are we in a gay sports bar?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
