Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
