I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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