if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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