When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
