6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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