Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
