New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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